


Did I Really Let Him Go?

by mandagrammy



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Could Be Canon, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Romance, What-If
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-14
Updated: 2015-02-14
Packaged: 2018-03-12 21:10:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3355403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mandagrammy/pseuds/mandagrammy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In this short story, we pick up the scene in the final episode of QAF where Brian is laying in his lonely bed after Justin has left for the airport. This is my version of what happened from that moment on. Warning...about 2/3 of the way in you are going to be jolted. Don't give up. Remember who is writing this and how I like my stories to end. LOL! Now, how about taking a long trip down memory lane with Brian. Hope you enjoy the journey.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Did I Really Let Him Go?

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.

Justin was gone! Brian lay on his wide bed, naked as the day he was born. Of course he was naked. He had just made love in a way that they had never done before... not once. This was not lovemaking for gratification. It wasn't lovemaking for the fun of it... the pleasure it brought to the body. Oh no, this was something different... something that couldn't be explained in words. It was more than a physical connection. This time there was a spiritual connection that bound his body, mind, and soul to the beautiful man who was lying beneath him. He had made love to Justin with every fiber of his being in a desperate attempt to seal his lover to him forever. 

Brian had approved... no, he had encouraged Justin to leave him, but he wasn't willing to let every part of him go. He would lose Justin physically due to distance, but he wasn't giving up the spirit of the blond beauty. That was something he simply couldn't do. If there really was such a thing as the other half of a human being, then Justin was undeniably his. It had to be what drew him to Justin on that fateful night five years ago. Justin didn't even possess his favorite body type or looks. He had always preferred his men larger and darker, although he hadn't been particularly finicky. Still, he certainly wasn't looking for a young, blond twink when he saw Justin. But he did see him, and the rest was history.

And what a history they had. Their lives together had more ups and downs than an amusement park ride, but with ten times the thrills. As he lay there all alone in his cold bed, Brian thought of all the thrills, including some of the chills. He thought back to the one magical night that sealed his fate forever... the night of Justin's Prom Dance. It was the best and worst night of his entire life up to that point. It was the night he no longer could deny to himself that Justin was more than a wonderful fuck buddy. He still wasn't ready to use the word 'love' to describe his feelings, but it hovered in the air between them during that final kiss before that bastard, Hobbs bashed the word to the ground... replacing it with 'hate'. 

He remembered the green-eyed monster that swept over him when Justin walked out on him after winning the 'King of Babylon' contest. He gathered enough strength to hide how jealous he was at the other men wanting to get into Justin's pants so bad they all but fucked him with their eyes while Justin danced for their pleasure. It hadn't been easy, though. He was even a little pissed at Justin for bringing that out in him. But that jealousy was nothing compared with the feelings he experienced when Justin left him for the idiot Fiddler. That was when he proved just how strong he could be. He pretended he was content with only being friends just so he could stay close to Justin at places like the Diner. The truth was that he wanted to grab Justin and drag him back to the loft every time he saw him. Even more, he wanted to grab the scrawny neck of the Fiddler and wring it until his eyes popped out every time he saw that guy. 

Brian sighed deeply. Why the hell was he thinking of that waste of space? It wasn't like Justin had left him for another man this time around. This time wasn't even as bad as that heartbreaking second time Justin left him simply because Brian was unwilling to open up and admit his true feelings for his lover. That abandonment was almost worse for Brian because he brought it on himself entirely. He knew at that moment it wouldn't take much to get Justin to stay. The poor guy wasn't asking that much. He wasn't even asking Brian to lie because if Brian said 'I love you, Justin', it would have been the truth. 

But he couldn't swallow his pride and give Justin what he wanted... not then. However, the last and most devastating event in their lives finally knocked some sense into his head. He had wised up after going through a trauma that left him far more shaken than the doctor's somber pronouncement that he was another Cancer statistic. He could still feel his stomach churning with dread and his heart dropping to the ground in fear that Justin had been killed or maimed by that fucking bomb every time it came to mind. That night he knew he could no longer keep quiet. He wrapped his arms around Justin and held him as if he would vanish into thin air if Brian loosened his grip even a tiny bit. The blond felt so right.... so perfectly right in his arms, and Brian had no desire to ever let him go again.

Of course, Justin wasn't going to make it easy on him. Why should he? No...'I forgive you, Brian, for being such a fool'....or 'I love you too, Brian, and I'll never leave you again'. Justin had somehow misplaced his faith in their preordained connection during his time away from Brian. He had believed in them for so long, but it looked like Brian had waited too long to wake up. That was when he had taken the ultimate step by proposing a true commitment... a marriage between them. He could see the desire in Justin's eyes to believe him, but Justin had grown afraid. He was afraid it was too good to be true and protected his heart by saying 'no'. Brian understood. He had been protecting his heart too by not asking. He could hardly blame Justin for doing the same.

That's when he knew that if he was to ever give Justin back his faith and belief in them again, he would have to prove his love with words AND actions... not one or the other. Thank god it worked. Justin didn't have as much time to build the wall around his heart as Brian had had all those many years ago. It crumbled to the ground as Brian hammered at it with the truth of his love and devotion. They say that you appreciate things more that don't come easy. If that was true, Brain knew that he would appreciate every minute that he shared with Justin from that day forward even more than all the ones from the past. 

Then outside forces messed with them.... again! Brian couldn't put his finger on when and how it began, but subtle changes surfaced and muddied the clear waters of their love. He had begun to act like a domesticated pet rather than the independent strong-willed man that Justin had fallen in love with. He thought he was giving Justin what he wanted in a husband, but Justin had already gotten what he wanted. He didn't want a changed Brian. He had just wanted an honest Brian who could admit his true feelings. He liked everything else about the man he had fallen in love with.... liked and respected who Brian was as a man. He was now afraid he was losing the Brian he had grown to love so quickly. It scared him.

On the other hand, Brian saw Justin giving up his dreams in order to be with him. Justin really had no idea how much Brian respected his talent. He recognized Justin's brilliance and knew that the young man would be a big fat fucking success someday in the Artistic World. He didn't want to stand in the way of that. Somehow he had become convinced that this was exactly what would happen if he married Justin and they stayed in Pittsburgh. It would be more than he could handle if he destroyed Justin's chance to be an 'Artistic Superstar'. Thus he began exaggerating the very things he knew Justin was afraid would happen... that he would be responsible for Brian changing too much. 

His plan to guide Justin towards moving to New York City worked better than he had hoped, and now he lay in his bed all alone with only his beautiful memories to keep him warm. It wasn't enough. Brian finally got up and started the long road back into familiar pain management mode. He grabbed a bottle of Jim Beam, ignoring the glass that Justin had used only hours before. He reached for a cigarette and the lighter that Justin had bought him a couple of years earlier to celebrate their defeat of Jim Stockwell for Mayor. He checked the fridge to see if there was anything worth nibbling on. He pushed aside a couple of containers of leftovers from meals Justin had fixed for them in the last couple of days. He ignored the bottle of Dr. Pepper that stood as a reminder of Justin's love for an occasional soda. He slammed the door shut. Everything reminded him of Justin. He would make a run to the diner instead.

Brian arrived at the diner. By now, Justin's plane was long gone. It had probably already landed in New York. He walked in and saw Debbie behind the counter talking to the new busboy. The kid was young and cute, just the way the patrons liked them. She was joking with him about his popularity with the diners just as she had when she told the gang about Justin's 'fresh buns'. Didn't she know the world had ended? But it hadn't... not really. Another fresh-faced kid was bussing tables and enjoying the leers his bubble butt received. Life was moving on. Debbie spotted Brian and waved, directing his gaze to the back of the diner where all his pals were seated. Brian joined the gang.

Brian was quiet as he caught up on what everyone was gossiping about. Michael and Ben bragged about Hunter's recent grades. Ted and Blake kept making goo-goo eyes at each other and feeding each other tidbits of their meal. Emmett kvetched over how long it was taking Drew to sow his wild oats. In the meantime, he was enjoying his bachelor life, which he assured everyone would be over once Drew came back to him. Occasionally one of the boys would mention how they missed Mel and Linds. No one mentioned Gus. At least they were sensitive enough to know that their friend was aching inside for his son in a way very similar to the way he ached for Justin. Brian felt the void as his best friends carefully avoided any mention of the emptiness in his life compared to theirs. He ate his turkey sandwich in uncharacteristic silence and then left the guys behind. He needed a drink and coffee wouldn't do it.

Brian stopped in at Woody's. The place was full of familiar faces and a few new ones too. Brian ordered his drink at the bar. The little figurines of men with their dicks hanging out stared at him as he sipped. The memory of that time he saw Justin drinking in the very same spot while twisting the Fiddler's silver ring around and around on his finger sneaked its way into his head. That moment back then had given him a tiny thrill. He somehow knew that Justin was having second thoughts about the guy he had left Brian for. He hated to be petty, but that moment had brought him a small degree of satisfaction. 

Brian turned and looked around the bar. Several men were enjoying a game of pool. One guy had his crotch plastered right up against the corner of the table. Images of Justin taunting him with his crotch and amazing bubble butt during one of their pool games flashed in his head. A pang hit him somewhere in the middle of his chest. It was rapidly becoming a familiar feeling. Brian checked out the rest of the bar patrons. Was there even one who would be worth picking up, just for one night? His gaze traveled from face to face... body to body. Plenty of them could hold their heads up high in an all-male beauty contest. Every single one of them left Brian cold. Maybe he needed some hot, sweaty bodies instead. He finished his drink and moved on.

Babylon was now dead and might never rise again. That didn't mean there was no place left to find a hot man and an even hotter dance floor. It was time to see if Popperz was still the place to go since Babylon met its untimely end. Brian stepped through the door and waited for the bouncers to check him for metal. All the gay establishments had implemented safety features. It didn't take him long to spot his pals. They must have come here right after leaving the diner. Brian was about to join them, when a couple of guys boldly began hitting on him. Where was the thrill of conquest? That feeling of being wanted had been his life's blood before. Now it was as empty as the other side of Brian's bed.

He shrugged the hands off his waist and arm and quickly moved deeper into the club. He spotted the club dancers on their pedestals as they gyrated to the beat of the music. They looked good but all Brian could picture was a beautiful blond with creamy, white skin and dazzling white wings dancing above him and smiling into his eyes only. There was that sharp pang again. Would it ever go away? A good-looking young man in his mid-twenties asked him if he would like to dance. One of his favorite songs was playing so why not, he decided. The guy was good, but he wasn't moving in quite the right way. They weren't in tune with each other. Brian thought about pulling him into a closer embrace for the dance, but he could tell they wouldn't be a good fit against each other. The song ended and the guy moved away, obviously disappointed that Brian hadn't appeared to enjoy the dance very much. 

Another guy asked Brian to dance, but he didn't look any better as a dance partner than the last one did. Why was he wasting his time? This place wasn't Babylon and none of the dancers could hold a candle to Justin. Brian slipped out, never having been noticed by the gang. Brian sat in his car in the parking lot. All around him, men were standing near their cars chatting, flirting, or making out. One tall brunet leaned against his car while a shorter blond companion leaned into him. The two were kissing with abandon. Brian remembered that kiss with Justin the night Craig Taylor attacked him. Even more so, he remembered the way that Justin protected him. It was typical of Justin. He wasn't about to let anyone else hurt the man he loved. This time the pang was accompanied by a wistful smile.

Brian pulled out of the parking lot and headed for home. Without warning, he was overwhelmed by an urge to swing by the PIFA campus. It was silly, but the lure was too strong to ignore. He changed course and drove in the direction of the school. As he pulled into the nearly deserted parking area and the drive-through section where students were dropped off, he began to remember all the times he had given Justin rides to the campus. He never really told his lover how much pride he felt by providing him with the means to attend the college. It was almost the pride a father would feel in sending his son to college... or at least most men would feel. Not Justin's father, of course. That man had no pride. Stupid was not even close to the right word to describe Justin's father. 

After he stopped his car and sat there with it idling, Brian thought back to the day he dropped Justin off after returning from his cancer surgery. He was in some pain that day but he was too dense to share it with the one person he should have. Instead he had covered up his fears of losing Justin by kissing him as deeply and fervently as he could to prove he had missed him while he was on his mysterious 'trip to Ibiza'. He made his point with the heartfelt kiss, but the lie he was living stood in their way even though Justin was unaware of it... at least at that particular time. The pain of watching Justin going off to his classes, oblivious to his lover's fears made Brian feel a guilt that was about as painful as the discomfort in his groin. 

Brian continued to park at the curb with the memories filling his head. He thought of all the angst they could have avoided if he had been totally honest with Justin in the car that day. He smiled when he remembered how Justin called him on the carpet for that mistake, and not in a restrained manner either. One moment he was his usual solicitous self and the next he was knocking his bigger, stronger lover to the ground (albeit, accidentally). Brian had to admit that he fell even deeper in love with Justin that day as he begrudgingly swallowed spoonfuls of chicken soup. 

So many mistakes, misunderstandings, make-ups, connections, and love between them.... and here they were, apart again. Brian wasn't sure he could stand another separation. He was surrounded by the ghosts of Justin Taylor. If he couldn't escape the memories of Justin, it was best to go back to the loft where they spent their most important moments together. The decision made, Brian put the car into gear and left the parking lot. He drove through the dark, snowy streets on his way back home... his empty home. 

Brian was so distracted with thoughts of his lost love, he didn't see the car that ran the red light and smashed into him! He lay in the twisted wreckage of his prized 'Vette and felt the life draining from his body. That didn't scare him. The thought of never seeing Justin's face again was the only thing he could think of, and it terrified him. He wanted to scream, but no sound would escape. Suddenly he heard the sound of sirens slicing through the frigid air. The sound persisted. Maybe they would come and save him. Maybe he still had time to tell Justin to come back. Maybe.....

....The sharp sound pierced through the core of Brian's foggy brain. He jolted awake, sitting upright so fast his head swam. What the fuck!!!!! He wasn't lying in a bed of twisted metal. He was lying in his soft bed in his own home. He glanced quickly at his clock. It was only an hour since he had kissed Justin good-bye before he slowly walked to the elevator and left for the airport. The whole damned thing had been a dream.... no, a nightmare! He had re-traced the best and worst moments of his life in the dream and the nightmare was sending him a message. It was as clear to him as any message could ever be. He knew what he had to do.

Brian jumped out of bed, threw on his discarded clothing, and rushed downstairs to his car. He carefully, but swiftly made his way through the streets of Pittsburgh on his way to the airport. He parked in the first available spot and hurried into the section of the airport where he knew Justin's plane would be departing. He checked his watch. The plane was scheduled to leave in less than fifteen minutes. Chances were good that Justin had already boarded. Brian searched faces of waiting passengers. He finally saw a blond head standing in the midst of some passengers waiting for their turn to board. Brian couldn't enter the section of the terminal where passengers waited, so he shouted.

"Justin!"

His frantic voice carried, cutting through the chatter all around the blond. He turned and saw Brian some distance away, standing next to the baggage examiner. His face registered his surprise.

"Brian?" he said, under his breath.

Even from the distance, Justin could see the pleading in Brian's eyes. He separated himself from the others who were starting to board and walked deliberately back to the X-ray machine. As he stepped up to the gate, the examiner warned him that he would miss his flight if he didn't board right away. Justin looked at the girl and then over at Brian. He stepped through the gate to the other side and right into Brian's arms. Brian hugged him fiercely, nearly squeezing the breath out of him.

In a muffled voice, Justin asked, "Brian, are you alright? What happened?"

Brian loosened his grip in order to be able to look into Justin's face. It was the most beautiful sight he had ever seen. He felt he could easily drown in those liquid blue eyes, staring up at him with curiosity. Brian gathered his nerve and answered.

"There is nothing wrong, unless you take that plane. It's simple, Sunshine, I don't want you to leave me. Either I join you in New York and start all over again to succeed there, which I know I will with you beside me... or you stay home and become a big, fat huge success from here, which I know you will with me beside you. This long distance stuff is crap. We belong together. Of course, this is only if you want the same thing I want," Brian said with some trepidation. 

Justin looked up into Brian's eyes and saw the truth in everything Brian said. He saw his future, which was what he had been seeing all these years, even when he was the only one who could see it. Justin took his boarding pass from the pocket of his bag. He tore it in quarters, letting the pieces flutter to the ground. Brian drew Justin back into his arms. They kissed, as if they were the only two people on the planet. The girl at the machine couldn't take her eyes off of them. She knew love when she saw it. Neither man noticed the looks... some of pleasure, some of disgust that were directed at them by other people. They only saw each other as their eyes locked while their lips sealed their promise.

No more nightmares of love lost for Brian Kinney. He hadn't been too late this time. Justin Taylor was finally his... his for life. And what a rollercoaster ride it was going to be, with all its thrilling ups and downs. And they were going to take that ride... together!

The End


End file.
